| updattteee |
[14 May 2007|12:13pm] |
ALLLRIGHHTTTYYY!!
HERE IT GOES.
UPDATE TIME.
It's been another year... another stream of adventures and learning experiences. Always different from the last, and always more and more interesting than the year before.
Since moving back from Gainesville, life has done a 180... and I kept to my promise I made with myself when I moved back. I said I wouldn't focus on music right away. That I needed to get my shit together, and regain myself.. and have a sense of stability.. on my own terms.
So ...
I lost all my inhibitions one night at a time, and regained my focus by day ... I searched within myself to nurture new creative outlets, and I've for the first time in my life... let go of a few little insecurities.
And though the road seemed rough at times, and I found myself caught up in everything around me.. emotionally, and mentally.. I still managed to land some really good opportunities, meet some of the most incredible lifelong friends, and finally find a place of contentment...
Along with the fact, that I put money in the bank, made a few purchases, and kept my finances in line. Which was the point of it all.
Some things never change. I still think people have cooties.
I'm working on that, though.
aha
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| slow down.. |
[17 Apr 2006|10:25pm] |
I came home. I said I would...and made the change. Things have drastically changed within three weeks of my life.
I got a better job than I've ever had, I suddenly realized how blessed I am to have the friends that I do...and my my mind was anxious to open itself up to a new way of thinking. I'd learned a lot, and was ready to close a chapter..
I've spent the last three weeks nurturing friendships, relationships in the familial life, and spending an excessive amount of time by myself. No complaints, I like the time alone, gathering thoughts, and writing inside my head.. I still have much to figure out, and I'm not acting as impulsively..I can't afford to anymore. Although I never could.
I'm ignoring any possible candidates for relationships as always.
I've definitely had enough wierd run-ins with all the wrong people to last me..
I got exhausted explaining myself over and over again, to people who don't listen to me when I talk. Who don't appreciate me for who I am, and what I'm about.
That just want to sleep with me..
and even when I say no they persist.
I met one guy in the last few months that I spent all night with in Austin Texas-(a bandmate of a friend), who caught my attention and my thoughts for a while, but then I saw him, and was too shy to talk to him, and walked away..and we never spoke again.
someone else, who I'd kept in close touch with..impressed me with his knowledge of literature, and seemed so humble and ambitious.
but then we hang out, and again... another guy who isn't listening to me when I'm talking...
band guy who thinks his band is so big, that any girl will sleep with him...I tell him I'm not that girl.. we kissed, that's all... but he percedes to try to get me to go back to his hotel, and tells me he has a wife!! I was very straightforward, and told him listen, that's terrible, how could you do that to her, that's so disrespectful...and he's like ..."wow, you're really a nice girl, if I wasn't ..well, you know, then I would probably well..you know"
but then two hours later he's texting me..what happened to respecting women.
when I tell this guy the other night, that I'm not like that, that him and I are just very different...after being interested in him, but seeing things for what they are..I try to give it a chance, I figure there's got to be more to this guy than what he puts out there. I admire so many things about him, but realize that once all the charm and intelligence is put aside..there's so much vanity, and not the humbleness I originally saw, and attracted me..
he turns in to just another guy.
There's been some women in my life in the last few months as well.
Admittingly so.
This girl came up to me one night out, while I was dancing with my friends, and her forwardness and sensuality intrigues me. I meet her up the next night and kiss her. We hang out after that, but don't really keep in touch. I felt good having no emotional attachments.
but that's all it was.
I think ladies are beautiful, and sometimes I'm attracted, the end.
Why am I so confusing to people..?
why do I feel like it's wrong to live off my emotions, and not inside lines and subcategories.
I don't feel like I need to be anything but me.. accept me for who I am..or don't.
My heart never changes..
it's always been me..
much love.
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| i am the soul that lives within |
[13 Mar 2006|02:47pm] |
| [ |
music |
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india arie-I am not my hair |
] |
It's time to say goodbye to my new home. ...and take the experiences and the people I've met with me.
I don't regret a single moment of it. God gave me a strong opportunity to grow and wisen, more than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes unwelcomed, but always appreciated.
I realize now, how much I appreciate certain people, how much I took for granted... I really see. I came as a test, as a sure direction distinguisher..to know exactly where it was I wanted to head. I thought that through trying both sides of the stick, it would help me decide... but it wasn't about the stick... or about the place, the people, the chase, or even what I was chosing between..
it was about me.
It was about honesty.
It is about honesty.
and I wasn't being straight with myself
My intentions pure, but my reasoning was immature and selfish..
Here's to owning up to it.
I'm not scared to make mistakes..
just to continue making the same ones.
love.
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| smoothe transitions |
[12 Mar 2006|08:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bright eyes |
] |
I won't work for free, and bust my ass for nothing..
please.
So I walk out.
It never works to go through the motions.
Then you just become the world around you..
You fade in to the crowd..
and it feels like claustrophobia, and borrowing someone else's shoes..running down streets..towards no where, while clock ticks..
tick tick... sorry, you're too late..
So, it made me a backseat driver, in my own car.
I hit my head. Once, twice, three times.
and then, you say...okay, I'm woken up now, I get it.
I'm up.
I like to fall down on my ass, it makes the rise sweeter, and perhaps there's no other way for me.
I like to drop so far down that I see what it looks like to head towards the bottom, and then pull myself out, with everything I have. and do it on my own.
I like to be tested. I like to test myself.
I learn from familiar, and familial mistakes. I grow, and grow up. I try, and transcend.
I like to admit, that I can do some stupid shit.. but I learn, and I learn wisely.
I allow, and prohibit thereafter.
Sometimes I believe it is my character flaw, to be so wide eyed, and have such perifial views of everything around me. I see and see beyond, because I'm always looking. It'd be easier to just watch what is in front of me..
but my lesson.. and my gain is knowing now, and realizing..
many things.
And I'm grateful, and fortunate that I've had these experiences...
bless.
xo
Jaclyn
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[17 Jan 2006|05:19pm] |
troubled and truesome...
sheltered and free.
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